WTMother
Author archives

  • That Which Shall Never Be Spoken of Again

    Somewhere in the last 5 years, my definition for what is gross has gotten pretty narrow.  With Birdy, I was all, “OMG, she can’’t be on a floor that isn’’t sanitized and spotless.  What if she finds a grain of sand? Are our floors organic!?!”   With The Professor, it was more like, “Eh, Birdy ate sandbox sand and survived. His shots are up to date, right?”  By the time we got to WTWhammy, I’’d relaxed so much that ‘Identify the Mystery Object in the Diaper’ had all but become a polite parlor game reserved for fancy dinner parties.  WTFather once presented me with a dirty WTWhammy diaper containing pink-glitter, pieces of green crayon, and a price tag that read CLEARANCE $4.47. It was impressive.  Parenting CHANGES you.

    So it wasn’t that surprising that I shrugged off Birdy’’s first LICE LETTER.  Hand, Foot and Mouth phone calls didn’’t faze me at all.  I have a reputation for being the mom who doesn’’t care if your kids are slimy on play-group day.  No rash, no fever, no problem is the WTFamily motto.

    And then…..

    Something happened last week that shook the foundation of my very identity as the laid-back mom:
    Continue Reading

    October 7, 2014 • Confessions, For Your Consideration, From the Desk of WTMother • Views: 8786

  • Fall! Lice! Typhoid!

     

    momdaughter1Fall is here.  She was not announced by the turning of leaves or a new crispness to the air.  She didn’t ease gently out of summer like a well-scripted movie.  Oh no.  Because Fall, while my favorite season, is kind of a betch that way.  She always surprises us, leaving us with a million things we meant to do over the summer that will now have to be put off until next summer.  This year, she upped her game. I know this because not only did she surprise us, she announced herself via a raging head cold and a letter from school notifying us of a lice infestation.  Because there’s no denying that fall is here once everyone has itchy scalps and head-colds.  Thanks, Fall!
    Continue Reading

    September 22, 2014 • For Your Consideration, From the Desk of WTMother • Views: 3206

  • Friday Funnies: 5 Things Making Me Laugh This Week

    Here are the top 5 things making me laugh or smile extra hard this week:

    1) The Professor asking our mailman (Our poor mailman…) if he had a big penis and Popsicles like The Professor, or a little penis and Popsicles like WTWhammy.  (Also, the fact that The Professor calls testicles “Popsicles” is never, ever going to get old.) Continue Reading

    September 5, 2014 • For Your Consideration, Friday Funnies, From the Desk of WTMother • Views: 3373

  • Dear Birdygirl on Your 5th Birthday,

    I hear you, Association!  WTFellers have I been? What about the update to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? When are we going to hear about OPRAH?!? What is going on?   

    To say things have been chaotic would be an understatement.  The plague descended upon our home, rendering WTFather Man Sick. The Professor has entered some sort of clingy phase that is currently standing fast at level Let Me Back Into Your Ute.  School started and WTFather and I Birdy has homework every. single. night. Preschool, people. There was a holiday weekend which meant I had to clean my house my family was in town to visit.  And last, but certainly not least, my bitty baby Birdygirl turned FIVE!  Whaaaaat?  So because we all know who runs this show what is close to my heart, this one had to come first.  So please indulge me while I brag about my awesome kid send a shout out to my biggest little.  Hit the jump for a best-of Birdyisms and stories from her 5th year.

    Dear Birdygirl,

    Today you turn five.  I don’t know how 5 years went so quickly, and yet I feel as if you’ve always been here.  Maybe it’s because I really, truly, am so damn tired that my long term memory has been affected feel as if my life started when yours did? I’m sure you’d prefer a  less sentimental reason. You aren’t a very sentimental child.  But that’s okay.  You’re still the most awesome Birdygirl I know.
    Continue Reading

  • ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Mommy Blogger Edition

    The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge came to the WTFellerses today. First, WTFather was challenged by our friend Simona.  Then I was challenged by our favorite tween, Emmie.

    This has been going on for a few weeks.  But just in case you’ve missed out on the hilarity, here’s how it works: Once challenged, you have 24 hours to either make a donation to the ALS Foundation or make a video of yourself dumping a big bucket of ice water over your head.

    Justin Timberlake, The Roots & The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Mark Zuckerberg and hoards have others have already done this… I mean Bill Gates and Murther Furkin OPRAH did it. So I really couldn’t refuse.

    I hereby challenge Pregnant Chicken‘s Amy Morrison, A Mothership Down‘s Liz Faria, Mommy Shorts‘ Ilana Wiles, and WTFamily friends: Morgan, Jim, and Jenna!

    But wait!  There’s more!  Jump for the video, some funnies, and a Give Away!

    Continue Reading

    August 17, 2014 • Friday Funnies • Views: 3248

  • We Need to Talk: Depression & Suicide

    Today’s post was supposed to be about registries and preparing for bringing home baby.  But the passing of Robin Williams by his own hand has left me feeling a heaviness that I can’t shake. The world just seems a little less funny today.

    Many of you know I studied at Second City. I did it as a hobby. It was never to be on THE stage. I was new to Chicago.  My first apartment was just a few blocks from the school.  I signed up on a whim thinking it would be an easy way to meet new friends and spend a few nights a week having a great laugh.  I loved every minute I spent Continue Reading

    August 13, 2014 • For Your Consideration, From the Desk of WTMother • Views: 4898

  • World Breastfeeding Week! (Or How to Not Be an Assclown About Breastfeeding)

    For every person out there who reads things carefully and takes a small moment of consideration before hitting “share” on their Social Media platform of choice there are approximately 995,781 others who are all “Cool headline! OMG Obama! Boo GOP! The children, think of the children!” and click share a few million times. Continue Reading

    August 5, 2014 • For Your Consideration, From the Desk of WTMother • Views: 3338

  • She Likes Me! She Really, Really Likes Me!

    Hey, all!  Today I’m a guest over on Super-Blogger Pregnant Chicken’s site.  If you haven’t been over there yet, click here when you’re done hanging out with me. There’s a solid chance this post will go up before that one, so if you’re a member of the Association of Accidental Assclowns, give her a bit to wake up, get her Tim Horton’s on, drink some Molson Ice, meditate on Gretzky or whatever it is Canadians do to start their day.   It’s a great site about real parenting and real pregnancy.  You aren’t going to find any posts over there about the beauty of creating life or about how if you don’t devote 100% of your mind/body/spirit to your children you aren’t a good mom.  Also there’s a lot of cussing.  And inappropriate comments.  And other things that make me feel like Amy and I are going to be like bffs for-ev-ah.  She’s like a Canadian WTMother.  Only she’s the super successful, well-established, and really, REALLY polite version. You know.  Because, Canadian.

    Continue Reading

    July 30, 2014 • I Get Around • Views: 2655

  • From the Desk of WTMother: Dear (6-Weeks-Before-the-Birth-of-Birdy) Angela

    Dear Six-Weeks-to-Go-Before-the-Baby-Comes Angela,

    This is WTMother.  I’m you in a few years.  I’m pretty sure if you met me in person, you’d think I was a total freak-show.  I’m okay with that.  I know you’ve read every book and talked to all of your new mommy friends.  The nursery is in place. (It really is beautiful, by the way.) You’ve picked out an elegant, well-thought-out name for our baby girl, (You aren’t going to ever call her that, but good effort!) Your hospital bag is packed, and you are feeling great about this impending motherhood thing.  But hear me out anyway, because there are some things I really want you to know so that my your life is a little easier. Continue Reading

    July 24, 2014 • From the Desk of WTMother, Letters to Angela • Views: 2467

  • Welcome, Fellow Members of the Association of Accidental Assclownery

    A lot of people have told me I need to start a blog. Like, A LOT. This has been going on since Dooce was still slinging paper for the man. It’s incredibly flattering. I mean, who wouldn’t be flattered by being told that their ideas are interesting, their wisdom appreciated, their wit unparalleled… their modesty inspiring… (Shout out to WTGrandma for that. She’s my biggest fan.) Continue Reading

    July 18, 2014 • Friday Funnies • Views: 2196

  • I Just Wuck Up a Lot

    I just had a heart to heart with the daughter of a good friend. She’s about to go off to college, so I was telling her things that, if they came from her mom, she would ignore (yay for knowing everything at 18!) Things like don’t drink the punch, don’t do crack, don’t register for Friday labs…   how college is basically like summer camp with alcohol… the important stuff… anywho. Continue Reading

    July 18, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1618

  • I Couldn’t Love This Harder

    July 18, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1194

  • Adventures in Potty Training

    The Professor: “Mommy! I get emenemenemenem?”
    Me: “Yay! Professor! Did you go in the potty?!?!?”
    Birdy from the other room: “NO! He did not GO in the potty. He peed on me! And in the hallway! No M&M’s! He IS NOT GOOD AT THIS, MOMMY! This is NOT a good idea!”
    Me: Professor, did you pee on your sister?
    The Professor: “Yeah! Yay Professor!!!! Emenemenemenem for Professor!!!! YAY PROFESSOR!”

    Fisher-Price Froggy Potty

    July 14, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1545

  • Confession: The Doll of Horror

    Confession: My father-in-law bought my daughter a doll that plays peek a boo. It was totally adorable until it started going off randomly and scaring the piss out of me. And I swear it was demon possessed because it would go off beside me in the kitchen, then show up in the bathroom, then pop up under the baby’s crib. It TRAVELED, people.

    It survived an “accidental” washing, an “accidental” overnight in the rain, and an “accidental” trip down the basement stairs. Well, this morning when I was taking clothes out of the hamper, it popped up again for. the. last. time. If it shows back up again after a trip in a garbage truck, you’ll find me huddled and rocking in some random church.

    demondollpostpic

    Little Mommy Hide & Peek Doll.  Destroy on sight.  Do not show mercy.

    July 10, 2014 • Confessions • Views: 1104

  • Cracked

    Birdy and her little friend are in the kitchen snacking on hard boiled eggs.

    The Professor: Professor wants a egg! Professor egg too!
    Birdy: Here, Professor , have an egg!
    The Professor: Tank you, Birdy!
    Me: **doing mental math, then yelling from living room** “Birdy! The eggs in the door aren’t hard-boiled. They’re raw.”
    Birdy: “I know.”
    Me: “Then why are you giving one to your brother?”
    Birdy: “Because I can. **pause** And it’s funny.”

    July 9, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1193