Fall is here. She was not announced by the turning of leaves or a new crispness to the air. She didn’t ease gently out of summer like a well-scripted movie. Oh no. Because Fall, while my favorite season, is kind of a betch that way. She always surprises us, leaving us with a million things we meant to do over the summer that will now have to be put off until next summer. This year, she upped her game. I know this because not only did she surprise us, she announced herself via a raging head cold and a letter from school notifying us of a lice infestation. Because there’s no denying that fall is here once everyone has itchy scalps and head-colds. Thanks, Fall!
My favorite part of the lice letter is the part that tells me to back off on bathing my littles. This is because lice love clean hair. And that, fellow association members, pretty much guarantees that none of my grubby littles will be bringing home any creepy critters. I knew the lax-hygiene standards necessary efficiency that came with WTWhammy’s arrival would come in handy one day. If not having to suffer through bath time cutting back on hair-washing means my kiddos will remain critter-free, then that is just a sacrifice I am going to have to make. This is where I give a shout-out to my friend Claire who took one for Team Three or More Children when she was lampooned on National television for bathing her littles once a week. Here’s a Link: Ha!
To double up on the protection, I got Birdy this spray that makes her smell like a dirty hippie. (Total social isolation = no bugs on me.) It’s made of rosemary, mint, elephant dung, marijuana, patchouli… I’m totally making that up. I’m sure it’s all legal good stuff. But I’m not going to ask any questions because it works REALLY well. We’re 3-0 against the plague of critters (knock on wood,) so there is for sure some sort of magic or trickery going on in there. I’m not sure if what repels the critters is the ingredients list or the fact that the scent reminds them of their dorm years at a liberal arts college. I have no shame and no mercy when it comes to the creepy-crawlies, so even if it means Birdy going into the world scented as if she’s a hemp necklace and incense burner away from
lesbian until graduation a liberal arts degree, I’m all in.
Birdy has a reputation for bringing home every infectious germ and virus she can get her hands on then casually spreading it about as if it is her one true purpose in life. She, however, rarely gets sick. This is why we refer to her as Typhoid Birdy. It’s a title she doesn’t take lightly. I’m someone who prefers to have a plan in place should the worst occur. And right now the thing that is scaring me the most is the very real possibility that I am facing not just a lice infestation, but a lice infestation while simultaneously navigating WTFather getting Man Sick. God help us all if that happens because I will lose my schmit. Because I HAVE NO PLAN.
Unfortunately, Google is not helping. I’ve googled “Surviving a lice infestation while husband is man-sick,” and the results are not making me hopeful. If the lack of Google entries is a sign, it’s a sign that no one has ever survived to tell the tale. So I’m going to go start chugging every liquid known to man which contains vitamin C (Does anyone know which variety of wine has the highest vitamin C content?) and then make a Target run for matches in case I need to call it and just burn the house down. Any tips would be appreciated. Pray for me. Burn some sage. Send me potions.