• I Couldn’t Love This Harder

    July 18, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1154

  • Adventures in Potty Training

    The Professor: “Mommy! I get emenemenemenem?”
    Me: “Yay! Professor! Did you go in the potty?!?!?”
    Birdy from the other room: “NO! He did not GO in the potty. He peed on me! And in the hallway! No M&M’s! He IS NOT GOOD AT THIS, MOMMY! This is NOT a good idea!”
    Me: Professor, did you pee on your sister?
    The Professor: “Yeah! Yay Professor!!!! Emenemenemenem for Professor!!!! YAY PROFESSOR!”

    Fisher-Price Froggy Potty

    July 14, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1481

  • Confession: The Doll of Horror

    Confession: My father-in-law bought my daughter a doll that plays peek a boo. It was totally adorable until it started going off randomly and scaring the piss out of me. And I swear it was demon possessed because it would go off beside me in the kitchen, then show up in the bathroom, then pop up under the baby’s crib. It TRAVELED, people.

    It survived an “accidental” washing, an “accidental” overnight in the rain, and an “accidental” trip down the basement stairs. Well, this morning when I was taking clothes out of the hamper, it popped up again for. the. last. time. If it shows back up again after a trip in a garbage truck, you’ll find me huddled and rocking in some random church.

    demondollpostpic

    Little Mommy Hide & Peek Doll.  Destroy on sight.  Do not show mercy.

    July 10, 2014 • Confessions • Views: 1049

  • Cracked

    Birdy and her little friend are in the kitchen snacking on hard boiled eggs.

    The Professor: Professor wants a egg! Professor egg too!
    Birdy: Here, Professor , have an egg!
    The Professor: Tank you, Birdy!
    Me: **doing mental math, then yelling from living room** “Birdy! The eggs in the door aren’t hard-boiled. They’re raw.”
    Birdy: “I know.”
    Me: “Then why are you giving one to your brother?”
    Birdy: “Because I can. **pause** And it’s funny.”

    July 9, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1155

  • Played

    Birdy: But Daddy, I NEED this new pretty dress.
    WTFather: No, Birdy. I think you have enough pretty dresses.
    Birdy: No I don’t. I don’t have enough.
    WTFather: How many do you have?
    Birdy: One less than enough.

    Well played, kiddo. Well played.

    July 8, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1628

  • You Say Tor-nay-do, I Say Tor-nah-do

    So have you seen that viral set of photos yet that depict a bride and groom walking in the blissful glow of newlywed happiness while a tornado bears down behind them?

    You know what I thought when I saw that?  This: Ha!  Suckers!  That tornado behind you?  That’s kinda what your life is going to feel like when you become first time parents.  Good luck with that.

    July 8, 2014 • Shorts • Views: 1077